my word for 2014

The last time I picked a "word for the year" was in 2011. I chose hope. 2010 was a year of great loss for me in many ways, and I ended the year in heartache and sorrow. I chose hope and chose to look to Christ in 2011, knowing that He would deliver me. And He did. (He's good like that, you know?) 

2013 was the most difficult year of my life, and this blog has only dipped its toe in the pain I've experienced. I don't mean to throw a pity-party, only to be honest. I have been struggling lately with feeling completely disconnected from God. From being so drowned in my own sorrow and pain and anger that I can barely breathe, barely pray. And it's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, it's affecting my ability to work, my ability to be any semblance of "myself". I am really struggling. 

And I realized that I am being suffocated by fear. I am so afraid. I feel like a failure constantly, like nothing I do is good enough. The smallest mistakes seem like the end of the world to me, like I am worthless. I am afraid that my boyfriend and I are not going to get married, so I cling onto him in terror, so afraid of losing him that I think I might actually lose him because I'm holding on so tightly. I'm afraid of being horrible at my job every day, like I'll never be good enough. The list goes on and on.

So I had to choose a word for 2014 that is the opposite of fear. I looked up antonyms for "fear" and I found courage, boldness, bravery, confidence. Those didn't resonate with me. 

I thought and prayed and I decided that, to me, the opposite of fear is freedom.

But that wasn't the word. Freedom means "no hindrance or restraint," "the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved," "the state of not being subject to or affected by"....etc.

Nope. That's not it. Freedom is a powerful word, but it seems to me too open-ended. Too vague, too ambiguous. I needed something with more direction, more focus - more purpose.

This. This is my word. 

liberation:

noun

1. the act of setting someone free from imprisonment, slavery, or oppression; release.

2. freedom from limits on thought or behavior.

The difference? Freedom is a state. Liberation is an act.
2014. A year of action. A year of liberation.

Lord, liberate me from my fears, from the chains that have me bound to sorrow, pain and sadness. Release me from oppression, from my slavery to sin and anger. Free my thoughts and my actions so that my life and my love for You can have no limits, no boundaries - so that I am no longer chained down by fear. Liberate me, Lord.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

--Exodus 14:14