Monday, February 3, 2014

my own currently

Linking up with Anna Kate and the girls at A Mama Collective like I do every Monday - only this time I'm not following format. So here it is. My "currently."

Oh, how I wish I could sit down and just write a beautiful and inspiring blog post today.

But, oh, I am struggling.

Struggling to see past my current reality. Struggling to feel hope. Struggling to feel like I'm not drowning. Struggling to breathe.

I have been unhappy for quite a while. Really unhappy. I will never stop living in gratitude, and choosing thanksgiving over wallowing in self-pity, but I am not doing well.

After my surgery in November, I was so hopeful that that was the answer. Once we realized my uterus was full of polyps and my hormones were going crazy, we removed them and life was going to be different. My PMDD would start to regulate itself - maybe I would only have one period a month instead of two and my moods would change!

And don't get me wrong - things have been better. I have not had a single manic episode since my surgery, I have not threatened or wanted to hurt myself, I have not blacked out and failed to remember my own words and behavior the night before. And for this I am beyond grateful. But I think maybe a part of me had hoped I would be all better. The joyful, radiant, vibrant girl that I know myself to be would magically return.

But I'm not her. At least not yet. I'm suffering, and I am unhappy, and I couldn't tell you why.

Maybe it's the fact that all I want is to be married and a mother and that is still months and years away. Maybe it's the fact that I really feel trapped in my job. Maybe it's the fact that I don't like my current living situation. Maybe it's the fact that I'm so alone where I live - no community, no friends - only my TV and my job. Maybe it's the fact that I'm so overworked and exhausted all. the. time.

And I am so far from God. I have isolated myself from my friends and from Him. In December, I asked Him for help for the first time in a long time. I lied on my bedroom floor night after night in hysterical tears, screaming at Him, begging for help. And it never came. So I stopped asking. And I'm having a really, really hard time asking again. I know I'm not supposed to do it alone, but when you ask and He just turns away, what then? What next?

Everyone has been saying this is my dark night of the soul. So I bought myself the book Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross. I am ready to pick it up, I know I need to. I have also been told repeatedly by priests in confession to ask for the intercession of Mother Teresa. I know this is not a coincidence. Every priest I go to talks to me about Mother Teresa. She didn't experience any consolation or sense of God's presence for most of her life - and she never stopped praying or doing God's work. I ask for her prayers constantly, but I am certainly no Mother Teresa. I feel so selfish, like such a failure - like I am being so childish, just wanting God to make me feel better. But I'm telling you,  I can't do this anymore.

My therapist today has suggested I see my doctor again and change my anti-depressants or change the dosage again. My mom wants me to see my OB/GYN again and go on birth control finally. Both scare me a little. Is all of this because I am imbalanced? Am I depressed? Or am I supposed to make life changes that will make me happy? Am I inherently unhappy and chemically not ok or is it life situations that are just making me feel unhappy? With mental illness, it's so hard sometimes to see the difference between true, genuine sadness versus your brain just keeping you from being happy and maintaining itself in a state of depression. It's so much to go through in my mind and my heart, that I just feel like sitting still. I don't even feel like walking forward anymore. How much can one girl take?

This week, I've gotten my first speeding ticket, I've gotten into my first car accident, and my debit card was reproduced and money was stolen from my bank account. It's almost funny... in a sad, ironic way. How am I supposed to look at all of that on top of everything else and just keep walking? I've been feeling like life is one big blizzard and I've been taking one step at a time with my head down, just making it through one step at a time. I'm just starting to feel like the blizzard is too big. The snow is too deep. I want to just stand here and freeze.

But I know myself.

I will not give up. Even if I want to. I don't think I know how to give up.

So I will keep walking. And I will keep trying to let God in, even if I don't know how to anymore.


  1. Oh girl. I'm so sorry.
    If it is any consolation. I finally met and married my husband at 34/35 and it wasn't until I was 40 that I had my one and only child.
    Sigh. But please, do pick up the book and call on Mother Teresa. Pray the Rosary or the Divine Mercy Chaplet.
    Or find a convent local to you and ask if you can come for a retreat. Pray and go to Adoration and relax.
    Thanks for sharing. I hope you can feel the prayers.

    1. Emily,
      Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment - especially so thoughtfully and prayerfully. I can't even tell you how grateful I am. Your words brought me a lot of consolation - and I think the retreat idea is a great one. I've been looking into some options and hopefully I can make it happen when I can make some time.
      Thank you for the prayers - they mean more to me than you know!

  2. I think Emily's advice and prayers are amazing. Things I hadn't even thought of -- a retreat. It seems like that would be so wonderful for you to go on a retreat and really be immersed in Him and His love. Maybe you just need to have that 'mountaintop' moment again to feel His closeness. We KNOW He is there, you know He is there, but it is just a matter of feeling His presence envelope you and remind you that you are so safe in His arms. You are His child and He will NEVER let you go. No matter the pain and heartache, He will never let go.

    I'm praying for you, friend. Thank you for your vulnerability and your honesty. I know you will be okay. I know you will find His joy... not that you will be happy, but that you will rest in His joy. That it will light your path to help you out of the darkness.

    love, jenna

    1. Thank you, friend. Your words mean so much to me. I know I will be okay, too - I am okay. And He's teaching me and working on my heart every day. Thank you for sharing in my walk with me - it really means a lot to me.

      I'm sitting in the airport on my way to Denver right now with a layover in Phoenix - I'm not gonna lie, I wish I was there longer so I could somehow finagle my way into a hang out with you, Mary and Anna Kate! haha :)

      Thank you again for your words. I am so grateful for you.

  3. Amy, first of all, thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles so openly. You may never see it, but you are helping others by sharing your story. And I am praying for you. For some peace in the midst of all of this suffering. For glimpses of joy each day to help you keep moving forward. For strength to carry your burden. And for a break. We never understand why God would throw so much at us all at once when we already feel like we're at a breaking point. It makes no sense. But there is a reason, and you will come around again to a better place. My dad always gives me the best advice- he tells me to be thankful for my current circumstances, no matter how awful they seem to me, but to pray that God will change my circumstances SOON. They key is finding things to be thankful for each day. Prayers for you, girl. AK

    1. Thank you, beautiful girl. I so appreciate your words and your prayers. I am trying so hard to find the joy in my present circumstances - and I feel God working on my heart. Thank you for your encouragement and words! And like I said to Jenna, I wish my Phoenix layover was longer so I could visit some awesome AZ girls!

      Thank you again - love to you. XO