currently vol. 7

It's been a while since I've linked up for a currently post. I'm feeling pretty defeated about blogging these days, but I'm not going to give up quite yet. So, I'm linking up with Jenna at A Mama Collective and Cassie at Kent Heartstrings - both beautiful ladies whom I only know through mutual friends and family members but am continuing to get to know through blogging, which is so special!

So I am currently....

Thinking about:

My wedding.

How crazy is THAT?!

But really, we've been engaged for almost a month and have gone back and forth about a date until today. Finally. I was so tired of trying to please everyone, of seeing my fiance's utter exhaustion at trying to make everyone happy, so I just called him and picked a date and we just decided and that was it. And it was like a 50-pound weight was lifted off of us.

I'm excited to be a bride, and I am so, so excited to be a wife, and hopefully a mother soon after that. 

I'm going wedding dress shopping tomorrow with my mom, sisters and brother. Yes - my little brother is coming, too! He is the youngest after 3 girls and knows more about "fashion" and what looks good than most women I know, and he's just one of my favorite people in the universe. So we're all excited and I just can't believe I'm going to be putting on wedding dresses. What a crazy adventure, this life. I am still processing the fact that what I have been waiting for since I was a little girl - getting married! - is actually happening. Wow.

Reading:

I finished I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings which was lovely, and so timely since I started reading it literally days before Maya Angelou died. What a beautiful soul she was.

Right now I'm working on The Book Thief because I saw the movie and LOVED it. Seriously loved it. So I just wanted to get a sense of the book itself, because I prefer reading to watching movies anyway.

Watching:

At the moment I'm sitting with my parents who are watching the Dodger game - so that's my literal "currently." Otherwise, I've been watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix even though I've already watched every single one. I think I'm having withdrawals because it's not on TV right now...

Listening to:

The baseball game on TV -- the ever-present sound of my parents' house. There is a game on our TV probably at least 60% of the time. But my most recent music discovery? Ben Rector. Seriously. I am in love.

I swear this song was written just for me.

Thankful for:

Am I allowed to say everything? 

I'm thankful for the sweet baby I get to nanny over the summer, because he smiles and coos at me all day even when I'm exhausted and stressed out.

I'm thankful for his amazing mother who is a wonderful woman to work for and spend time with.

I'm thankful for my fiance, and his undying selflessness and strength.

I'm thankful for my brother, who is my best friend and makes me laugh and lets me cry on his shoulder late at night when i just feel weepy.

I'm thankful for my Godspell cast who make me laugh until I cry literally every time I am with them. I will have to make another post on that soon - but man, am I glad I agreed to do this show. I'm so grateful to be getting to know such incredible people who bring me such immense joy.

And I'm just thankful this guy is going to be my husband in 8 1/2 months. So beyond thankful.

currently vol. 6

Thinking about:

Like I've mentioned a few times lately, I've been thinking about that big question -- what do I want to do with my life? Maybe that question never actually gets answered. But seeing as the school year is wrapping up, and I am leaving my music teacher job (not the high school - only the grade school), it has been time to really think about what the next step is. So I've been trying to find summer work, audition for summer shows, and looking into all my options for the fall. And I've chosen to start applying to return to school and get my teaching credential. This might be confusing to some people, seeing as I've been a teacher for the last five years. However, I am not credentialed - I have been working small part-time teaching jobs at private schools and after school programs this entire time. I was never convinced that I truly wanted to be a teacher - my heart was torn between teaching and performing. Through a lot of discernment, prayer, and life experience, I have decided that my heart is truly in teaching. I could write about it in great depth, but I'll leave it at that. I'm excited for what the future holds.

Reading:

I'm still working on my re-reading classics from high school project. Currently reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I just started so no opinions to report yet!

Watching:

I woke up way earlier than I needed to today, so I turned on the TV and have just been lying in bed watching 13 Going On 30. Sometimes early morning chick flicks are a fabulous way to start your day.

Listening to:

At this very moment, the TV. Music-wise? I haven't had any new revelations lately. I feel like as a musician this should be the most exciting part of my currently. Whoops.

Thankful for:

A fabulous weekend with my beautiful family. I love them. We did a ridiculous photo-shoot yesterday of my sister and brother. They are graduating from college and high school this coming weekend, so we took some photos for their announcements and party invitations. However, my family doesn't ever do things the way most people do... We agreed not to post photos all over social media yet, we want the announcement to be a surprise. Here is your one sneak peek...

Wishing:

This is a new part of currently! Goals for the week. This is hard for me, because I'm in such a transitional period that I don't have small goals, I have big goals. I guess I can say what I am looking forward to for now!

1. My best friend's baby shower in a couple of hours. She lives in New York and is in town with her family - I cannot WAIT to see her and celebrate her pregnancy!

2. Michael comes into town on Thursday - time, go quickly!

3. Family graduation weekend - I love family celebrations, especially with my crazy family. We have so much fun. I can't wait to celebrate my sister and brother, and start celebrating the beginning of SUMMER!

Linking up with the ladies at A Mama Collective and Home Away From Home. 

Feel free to join in and link up!

currently vol. 5

Thinking about: 

Wow, it's been way too long since I last posted. April is notoriously crazy in my life - it's the month of shows, shows, shows. And this particular April was worse than ever. As I've said before, I work at a high school, and this year... we had some big drama at school. And I don't mean drama like break-ups, or girls fighting. I'm talking cops, charges being pressed, meetings with the administration. It was very, very difficult for me. I obviously can't get into details, nor do I want to, but let's just say I just started sleeping again after having horrible stress-induced insomnia for over a month. I lost many hours of sleep, cried many tears, intercepted many phone calls, tried to respond appropriately to all parents and students and co-workers and bosses.... The list goes on and on and on. Michael flew into town for the performances of my show, just in time to hold me through the tears. I actually held myself together really well until he came into town. Somehow having "my person" there with me broke down the walls of strength I had somehow managed to build through it all. It was really lovely to have someone safe to weep to and to allow to hold my heart while it broke through all of this. I truly love these kids with every ounce of my heart. To watch them hurting, struggling, making life choices that will change their lives forever - oh, my heart. My heart breaks. My heart is full of hundreds of teenagers, hundreds of children, my children. I may not be a mother by definition... but I am in my heart. It's very difficult to try to keep everyone safe, to teach everyone to the best of my ability, to love them so fiercely for the small amount of time that they are with me. It's difficult to do these things and to stay joyful and know that they are not mine - they are His, they are their parents', they are their own. All I can do is love them and teach them the best way I know how. I just pray that God gives me the grace to do these things well when they are in my care.

All that being said, it is now the lovely month of May. One of my favorites. Mary's month. The month of summer starting here in California - pool time, beach time, flip flops, windows down... I love it. Shows are closed, both at my high school and the production of CATS I was pit singing for. Thank goodness. Both were beautiful experiences, fabulous shows, and full of amazing people - but I am so thankful for time off. There are many exciting things coming and I am so looking forward to the summer!

Reading:

Being in the pit allowed me to read a lot in between songs. I loved being able to finish some books finally! I got through Gilead, which I appreciated but did not enjoy personally. It's a quiet and slow book, and I think maybe at another time in my life I would really love it, but right now it didn't resonate with me except for one thing: The narrator spoke of our ability to cry with another in their suffering and rejoice with their triumphs. He pondered why it was so much easier to weep with the suffering than it is to rejoice with the joyful. It was just a really lovely reminder for me to deliberately choose to rejoice with those who are joyful, to celebrate my friends' triumphs. It is so easy to feel envy. I want to choose joy.

I also just re-read To Kill a Mockingbird in about a day and a half. I'm trying to re-read all the classics I read in high school but never appreciated because I was too busy writing essays and answering test questions. I absolutely loved this book the second time around. Such a beautiful novel.

Watching:

I just got done watching the season finale of Once Upon a Time and I'm so unhappy about it. First of all... the episode was literally a knock-off of Back to the Future. Literally the same exact plot. Down to the falling out of the tree. If you've seen both you'll know what I'm talking about. And the last ten minutes? I was so happy with how it was ending until one stupid plot twist that I am SO angry about. It's only a TV show. I need to get over it. You just end up getting so invested in these people's stories, even if they are fictitious. Woof. Need to keep reminding myself it's only make-believe.

Listening to:

My brother talk to the dog and make a sandwich in the next room. No need for music right now, when I'm home with my family. It's perfect just the way it is.

Thankful for:

Oh, so much. So, so much.

I am thankful that throughout my difficult April, I somehow by the grace of God kept my head on straight. I didn't have a single manic episode. I didn't even have any panic attacks, anxiety attacks, bouts of depression. I didn't even feel hopeless or helpless. Now THIS, my friends, is a huge victory. I'm talking HUGE. Taking my normal dosage of medication, but still barely getting any sleep and dealing with heavy stuff.... But choosing joy. Choosing to wake up and be strong. Choosing to keep looking to Christ and walking one step at a time. This is huge. Thank the LORD.

I am thankful for this amazing group of high school kids who change my life just by being themselves. I am thankful that through a lot of difficulty for every single one of us, that we put on an amazing show. My co-worker (the show's director) (who also happens to be one of my best friends) and I turned to each other after the finale on closing night and just said, "Magic." Truly, this show was magic.

Also, so thankful for my experience in CATS. My last experience with this show was less-than-pleasant, and this time, I really had a wonderful time. There were many nights when I was exhausted and just didn't want to go to work, but the people I met were just so lovely. It's a rare find to do a show and meet a bunch of talented, genuine and kind theatre people. It's very special and I treasure it.

Kitty kisses from my favorite cat - Skimbleshanks!

Pit singers and wig stylist - we all sat in the audience and put on green cat eyes to support the cast on closing night! We meant it as a joke but everyone wept because they were feeling so sentimental!

Michael and I climbed on the set for a while and the lighting operator put on the best lights for us for this picture. Like I said... the people at this theatre are so incredibly kind.

Thankful. Now I am thankful for some time off. I am still figuring out my life... more to come on that. But for now, it's 8:45 PM and I'm in my pajamas. From last night. I lounged. ALL. DAY. Glorious.

Linking up with the lovely ladies at A Mama Collective and Home Away From Home. Feel free to join in and link up!

currently vol. 4

How did a week fly by so quickly? I feel like I just wrote my last "currently" post yesterday! And it's already been a week. Wow. Linking up with the lovely ladies of A Mama Collective and Home Away From Home.

I am currently...

Excited about:

Doing another show! A few years ago, I did a production of CATS as a pit singer. This means that while the cast is dancing their faces off on stage, they have one singer per part in the orchestra pit on microphones singing their faces off. (This doesn't mean the cast on stage isn't singing - they just need the extra support to make sure the sound is strong.) So I found out a while ago they were doing CATS at a great theatre company nearby, so I figured out who the music director is, found him on facebook, and then messaged him asking if he needed pit singers. I've been told that that was ballsy - but being bold is definitely not an issue for me! What did I have to lose? And hey - I got the job! So I had my first rehearsal tonight, and it was so fun to remember this music and learn it all over again. I never liked CATS until I worked on it - now I think the music is a blast to sing, and a lot of the same performers who did the show with me last time will be doing it again. So I'm happy about that!

Pondering:

What to do with my life, still. I'll let you know when I figure that out.

Reading:

I've been slowly working through Gilead, which is apparently a beautiful novel but I'm struggling to invest myself in it. I love reading, but this one hasn't caught my interest yet. We'll see if that changes.

Watching:

At this moment, Resurrection. It caught my interest when they were advertising it before its premiere, and it's kept my interest enough to watch it weekly. It hasn't changed my life or gotten me totally into it yet.

Listening to:

Dr. Laura podcasts. Um, I love her. I figured out you can get little snippets of her podcasts for free on itunes so I downloaded all of them and have been listening to them on my long car rides.

Thankful for:

This life-changing, grace-filled, beautiful talk with my sister last night. Thank God for sisters. To sit on the sofa and weep and talk and speak truth into each other's hearts is so special and I am just so thankful.

"She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Sometimes she is the reason you wish you were an only child." 

--Barbara Alpert

Nope, never wish I'm an only child. But yes, she is my mirror, my witness, my partner in crime, my defense attorney. All of it. I am blessed. And lucky me - I've got two. So thankful.

And for my sweet readers who don't have sisters - these lovely words are for you:

"They called each other family and that's what they were - sisters. Many people in the world had family of the heart, kin by choice rather than by blood, and hers had come along in her darkest hour and saved her life."

--Christine Feehan, Spirit Bound

currently vol. 3

Hello, blog. It's been a while. I didn't stop writing because I was having a hard time this time, which is good news! I don't have a real reason, other than maybe feeling uninspired to sit down and write. I haven't even been keeping up with my reading - I finally sat down and read all your blogs. Every single one. I love the blogs I follow and I don't want to fall behind! So instead of me attempting to find something inspiring to write about, I'm going to start back up with linking up with some of my favorite girls! Anna Kate at Home Away From Home and Jenna and Mary at A Mama Collective.

So I am currently...

Thinking about: 

So right now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life -- do I want to dive head-first into performing? Stay teaching? It's been a crazy few months and I'm trying to discern what God wants from me, although I'm starting to think He's asking me what I want.... and I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm also thinking about the fact that I'm waiting to hear about a show right now. Waiting to know if I've been cast in a show I auditioned for. It's weird. Seriously, just weird. I got out of the whole "theatre world" (the performing side) for the last five years to teach high school kids how to become performers. So now I'm back in the game, going to auditions and picking songs for myself and learning dances and competing with 20 blonde girls who look like me. I ran into two of my high school students at this audition - one of them sang a song I gave her when she was my student. The other was called back literally for the same exact thing as me - she was my competition. What a weird thing. I taught these girls how to do what they are doing, and now they are my competition. What a trip. It's a weird world to re-enter - the world of auditioning and performing. I don't know if it's what I want or not, but I'm in it for now and I'm just going to enjoy it. I found myself going into "teacher mode" at the audition - answering my old student's questions about her clothes and whatnot, and then I remembered - wait - we are up against each other for the same job! Weird. All I can say. Weird. So I'm just waiting for the cast list and I have another callback coming up soon. It's all in God's hands.

Also, my man flew back to Colorado today. I miss him already - but we were blessed to see each other every weekend in March. It was wonderful. Maybe that's why I've been blogging less!

Reading:

Honestly, nothing at the moment. I've picked up so many books recently and have put them down for too long. The only book I have invested in and still pick up is Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross. It has helped me so immensely and resonates with me and where I have been for the last year so deeply. I will have to post about it in depth when I'm done with it - it's very dense so I'm taking it little by little.

Listening to:

This song, non-stop.

The slideshow doesn't mean anything to me - I didn't even watch it, to be honest. But this song. I sing it on repeat in my car on the way to work. It just brings me joy and touches my heart. 

"It's a long and rugged road - and we don't know where it's heading. But we know it's gonna get us where we're going. And when we find what we're looking for, we'll drop these bags and search no more - 'cause it's gonna feel like heaven when we're home. It's gonna feel like heaven when we're home."

Watching:

My sister and I are each working on our computers, sitting on my bed, with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion on my TV. It's a slumber party and it's fabulous.

Thankful for:

God's unending love and mercy. The fact that I am starting to be able to see and experience this grace and mercy for the first time in a very long time. Even if it's just a whisper right now.
My sisters. Especially when one can come over for a slumber party and just sit in bed with me and watch junky TV and just be together.
My boyfriend. The amazing example of love, selflessness and kindness that he sets for me. His pureness of heart. I am so blessed to have someone like him love me so much. It's so humbling.
My job. My high school students who bring me so much joy and who teach me so much every single day.
Musical theatre. Performing, playing, singing, dancing. It doesn't matter. I love it, and I am thankful for it. I am thankful to watch young people fall more in love with musical theatre every day and work so hard to put on amazing shows and become incredible performers.
Being able to have perspective on auditions and callbacks and know that at the end of the day, none of this reflects my self worth or my talent, and none of it will take away my joy. I wasn't ready for this five years ago, and I'm thankful God gave me that time to be a teacher. To learn. To grow.

The list I could go on forever - suffice it to say, I am thankful. So thankful.

My view at work. Page 1 of my piano music -- one of my favorite things in the world, getting ready to start a show. I love it.

currently vol. 2

Linking up with the ladies of A Mama Collective and Anna Kate at Home Away From Home for Monday "currently" posts. I forgot to do it last week but I'm back!

So I am currently...

Thinking about:

Still thinking about my show. (I'm currently in a production of a musical called bare: a pop opera). I guess since this link-up happens on Mondays, it's always the day after the last show of each weekend. Something finally clicked in the show for me last night emotionally, and it was a really powerful experience. The show deals with homosexuality and the Catholic church, teen pregnancy, suicide... It's pretty heavy stuff. And to me, it really tells a story of a group of teenagers who feel lost and who want to be found by someone. And the truth is, they are surrounded by people who love them - every single one of them. It's a really amazing show to be a part of as a high school teacher, because I see this in my students every day. The desire to be seen. To be truly seen for who they are - for someone to see their insecurities and their fears and to call them beautiful and love them anyway. I think we all long for that even as adults, but teenagers are in such a vulnerable time in their lives. (This is why I'm so, so, so passionate about working with teenagers. They need to be heard and loved in a special way. I am so blessed that God has called me to work with them.) 

Anyway, the show deals with all of these things with such beauty and honesty. Because it is controversial, we have had people get up and leave halfway through the show. But the people who stick it out until the end walk away deeply impacted. I spoke with a friend on Saturday once the show was over and he said that everyone walked out in utter silence - something he had never experienced before. We don't even take a bow at the end of the show, which is something that most people are confused by - but it's simply because the story isn't about us as actors. The story is about the young people who feel they have no voice - the young people who suffer because no one took the time to see them. So we stand there in silence and honor them instead of bowing. It's pretty powerful stuff. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm truly honored to be a part of the show. The cast is amazing, the story is amazing, and it's just a joy to be a part of this family who loves and supports each other through this roller coaster of emotions every night on stage. It's so special.

Reading:

I don't know how anyone's "Reading" changes from week to week, I'm still working on My One Word.   However, I did start reading Antigone again. It's a Greek tragedy for those of you who aren't drama nerds like I am. I've read Antigone a million times already, but my friend gave me this book called The Lifetime Reading List and I want to read as many books on the list as I can, so I can highlight them and feel a sense of accomplishment. Told you, I'm a nerd. Antigone is on the list, and I don't count it if I read it in high school/college, so I picked it back up. We'll see if I actually glean anything new from it reading it for pleasure instead of for school!

Listening to:

The Frozen soundtrack. On repeat. And no, I don't have kids. I don't care. The music from this movie is stunningly beautiful. To me, it's more of a musical soundtrack than a Disney movie soundtrack. But who am I kidding? I still listen to Disney music all the time. I just can't get enough of the song "Let It Go." It's like every musical theatre girl's DREAM to sing that song now. So I'd have to wait a few years to actually sing it for anything. But it's just so powerful and gorgeous. Even the instrumental music. And it's been a Godsend as a music teacher - my new tactic for getting my little kids to behave is   letting them listen to Frozen for the last five minutes of class if they behave well. It's fabulous.

Watching:

Um, still Parenthood. I just got caught up last night and cried and cried. I'm a big weeper, but normally TV shows don't make me cry. I just couldn't help myself. Seriously, if you don't watch this show, you are missing out.

Thankful for:

I am honestly thankful for the opportunity bare has given me to perform in an ensemble and dance again. These people are fabulous and I can't say it enough. It's a deep and meaningful show but I get to be in the one silly "Diana Ross" number as a back-up angel. It's pretty fun being sassy and ridiculous in the middle of all the seriousness. 

I am so thankful for my sweet friend, Ryan, who is playing my boyfriend in bare. He played Marius and I played Eponine in Les Miserables over the summer, and the connection and mutual respect and love we built night after night was something special. We've been given the opportunity to play opposite each other again, and I couldn't be more grateful. I feel so safe with him on stage and off, and I value our friendship so much. Our director pulled me aside last night after the show in tears, saying that he loves watching the two of us - that we are just "real people" together on stage - and that you can tell that we truly love and respect each other as people and performers. I am just thankful to have a friend like him, someone that I trust and love so much.

Lastly, I am thankful for my sweet man, Michael. He flew out to see my show on opening night and has been so incredibly supportive through this whole process. I couldn't ask for a better partner. I know it's not easy to be in a relationship with an artist - a performer who goes from show to show, who has to build relationships on stage that some people might struggle with. But he understands and loves and supports me through it all. It's amazing and humbling. He also decided to change his flight and stay an extra day on his last visit, which made me feel so loved and special. He is such an incredible man and I am so blessed.

currently vol. 1

Finally linking up with Jenna & Mary at A Mama Collective and Anna Kate at Home Away From Home for "Currently" on Mondays. I love it and think it's a great way to be more conversational in my blog - I hope you enjoy knowing what's going on right now! Thanks, girls!

Thinking about: 

The fact that I'm ready to show my face on this blog. The reason I keep my identity private is for my job, but I feel that the only way I can reach out to people and relate to them is to be myself. To be a real person. So here I am. It's nice to meet you.

I'm also thinking about the show that I'm in right now. I know I haven't said anything about it, but I'm in a production where I get to play a 17-year-old girl who is going through high school and just trying to figure out who she is. I also get to dance quite a bit - which is so much fun and also totally terrifying, since I haven't danced in a musical in 7 years. It's been an awesome challenge for me and I'm actually having a blast. I am really eager to see how audiences are going to respond to the show. It's very honest and edgy, and I think it will be controversial - but I think it's an important piece of art that discusses real-life issues that should be talked about. I feel privileged to get to be a part of it.

Reading:

My One Word by Mike Ashcraft & Rachel Olsen. Recommended by Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience. It's about choosing one word for your year and focusing on it. It ties back into my last post - my word for 2014. My word is "liberation" - and I'm hoping this book can provide some wisdom and practical advice on how to incorporate my word into my life and my prayers.

Listening to:

The soundtrack for the musical I'm in. Over and over and over. Because I got cast in the show a week late and had to learn all the music on my own. Not to mention the fact that some of it is just super fun to sing. It's called "bare: a pop opera". It's pretty edgy and has bad language, so I don't recommend it if you're easily offended or have kids around. But it's a powerful story with some fun rock music to listen to.

Watching:

Oh, let's be honest. I'm a TV junkie. But my favorite? Parenthood. Obsessed. I even got my 17-year-old brother to watch it with me last week and he loved it. It's so honest and the characters are so interesting and real. I love it.

Thankful for:

So much. For the fact that my boyfriend's brother just called me just to catch up. This is a beautiful, beautiful thing for me. For my sister who I got to hang out with this morning. For the fact that I got to sleep in today and will get to for one more day tomorrow. For my beautiful students who sang their hearts out in Mass yesterday and touched my soul when they looked in my eyes and sang, "Here I am, in the face of every child." For the cast of my show, who I don't get sick of even with day after day of long, long, long rehearsals. For the chance to learn that I can actually dance. For my amazing boyfriend, who supports me in everything I do. For the fact that my boyfriend has found a new and profound joy in his life's work. It is amazing to see how alive it has made him and it has healed me in so many ways and has brought me so much joy to see the man that I love be so fulfilled. For my therapist, who sees me and understands me in a way that makes me a better person. For the fact that my therapist weeps for me when I need to be wept for. For the fact that he encourages me to be the best version of myself so gently - just the way that I need it. I am thankful that although I have been in the desert for so long - truly, my dark night of the soul - God is coming through for me and my heart is changing.  Thank You, Jesus.

My awesome cast practicing our dance - we do a show within a show - Romeo & Juliet.