currently vol. 5

Thinking about: 

Wow, it's been way too long since I last posted. April is notoriously crazy in my life - it's the month of shows, shows, shows. And this particular April was worse than ever. As I've said before, I work at a high school, and this year... we had some big drama at school. And I don't mean drama like break-ups, or girls fighting. I'm talking cops, charges being pressed, meetings with the administration. It was very, very difficult for me. I obviously can't get into details, nor do I want to, but let's just say I just started sleeping again after having horrible stress-induced insomnia for over a month. I lost many hours of sleep, cried many tears, intercepted many phone calls, tried to respond appropriately to all parents and students and co-workers and bosses.... The list goes on and on and on. Michael flew into town for the performances of my show, just in time to hold me through the tears. I actually held myself together really well until he came into town. Somehow having "my person" there with me broke down the walls of strength I had somehow managed to build through it all. It was really lovely to have someone safe to weep to and to allow to hold my heart while it broke through all of this. I truly love these kids with every ounce of my heart. To watch them hurting, struggling, making life choices that will change their lives forever - oh, my heart. My heart breaks. My heart is full of hundreds of teenagers, hundreds of children, my children. I may not be a mother by definition... but I am in my heart. It's very difficult to try to keep everyone safe, to teach everyone to the best of my ability, to love them so fiercely for the small amount of time that they are with me. It's difficult to do these things and to stay joyful and know that they are not mine - they are His, they are their parents', they are their own. All I can do is love them and teach them the best way I know how. I just pray that God gives me the grace to do these things well when they are in my care.

All that being said, it is now the lovely month of May. One of my favorites. Mary's month. The month of summer starting here in California - pool time, beach time, flip flops, windows down... I love it. Shows are closed, both at my high school and the production of CATS I was pit singing for. Thank goodness. Both were beautiful experiences, fabulous shows, and full of amazing people - but I am so thankful for time off. There are many exciting things coming and I am so looking forward to the summer!

Reading:

Being in the pit allowed me to read a lot in between songs. I loved being able to finish some books finally! I got through Gilead, which I appreciated but did not enjoy personally. It's a quiet and slow book, and I think maybe at another time in my life I would really love it, but right now it didn't resonate with me except for one thing: The narrator spoke of our ability to cry with another in their suffering and rejoice with their triumphs. He pondered why it was so much easier to weep with the suffering than it is to rejoice with the joyful. It was just a really lovely reminder for me to deliberately choose to rejoice with those who are joyful, to celebrate my friends' triumphs. It is so easy to feel envy. I want to choose joy.

I also just re-read To Kill a Mockingbird in about a day and a half. I'm trying to re-read all the classics I read in high school but never appreciated because I was too busy writing essays and answering test questions. I absolutely loved this book the second time around. Such a beautiful novel.

Watching:

I just got done watching the season finale of Once Upon a Time and I'm so unhappy about it. First of all... the episode was literally a knock-off of Back to the Future. Literally the same exact plot. Down to the falling out of the tree. If you've seen both you'll know what I'm talking about. And the last ten minutes? I was so happy with how it was ending until one stupid plot twist that I am SO angry about. It's only a TV show. I need to get over it. You just end up getting so invested in these people's stories, even if they are fictitious. Woof. Need to keep reminding myself it's only make-believe.

Listening to:

My brother talk to the dog and make a sandwich in the next room. No need for music right now, when I'm home with my family. It's perfect just the way it is.

Thankful for:

Oh, so much. So, so much.

I am thankful that throughout my difficult April, I somehow by the grace of God kept my head on straight. I didn't have a single manic episode. I didn't even have any panic attacks, anxiety attacks, bouts of depression. I didn't even feel hopeless or helpless. Now THIS, my friends, is a huge victory. I'm talking HUGE. Taking my normal dosage of medication, but still barely getting any sleep and dealing with heavy stuff.... But choosing joy. Choosing to wake up and be strong. Choosing to keep looking to Christ and walking one step at a time. This is huge. Thank the LORD.

I am thankful for this amazing group of high school kids who change my life just by being themselves. I am thankful that through a lot of difficulty for every single one of us, that we put on an amazing show. My co-worker (the show's director) (who also happens to be one of my best friends) and I turned to each other after the finale on closing night and just said, "Magic." Truly, this show was magic.

Also, so thankful for my experience in CATS. My last experience with this show was less-than-pleasant, and this time, I really had a wonderful time. There were many nights when I was exhausted and just didn't want to go to work, but the people I met were just so lovely. It's a rare find to do a show and meet a bunch of talented, genuine and kind theatre people. It's very special and I treasure it.

Kitty kisses from my favorite cat - Skimbleshanks!

Pit singers and wig stylist - we all sat in the audience and put on green cat eyes to support the cast on closing night! We meant it as a joke but everyone wept because they were feeling so sentimental!

Michael and I climbed on the set for a while and the lighting operator put on the best lights for us for this picture. Like I said... the people at this theatre are so incredibly kind.

Thankful. Now I am thankful for some time off. I am still figuring out my life... more to come on that. But for now, it's 8:45 PM and I'm in my pajamas. From last night. I lounged. ALL. DAY. Glorious.

Linking up with the lovely ladies at A Mama Collective and Home Away From Home. Feel free to join in and link up!

reflection friday: a love story

It's been a while since I've done a Reflection Friday - so it's time to do another! As I've mentioned before in this blog, 2010 was an incredibly difficult year for me. I lost my grandmother that year, my family had to put our dog down, I was having an incredibly bad year financially, my roommate and I had an extremely toxic living situation (with one another, not the place itself), I had people hurt me in ways that are not worth putting into words. I was aching deeply, and it was affecting everything that I did. 

I have worked at my current job for almost five years now. I've talked about it before, but to remind you - I'm the music director at a performing arts high school. I could write a book about how this school has changed and impacted my life. I've grown up there - literally. When I graduated from college, I got a phone call from the musical theatre teacher at this school. We'll call it HSPA (High School for Performing Arts). She called me 5 days after I graduated offering me a job and I accepted. I had prayed and prayed that God would just throw something in my lap after graduation, because I was clueless. Graduating with a degree in drama didn't give a whole lot of direction - so I prayed and trusted, and God seriously came through.

So I started working at HSPA, intending only to be there for one musical. Here I am, almost five years later, and my students and co-workers have made me into the woman I am today. There are many, many stories of how this job has impacted my life and I know I will never be able to tell them all. Or even thoroughly express how deeply and intensely these moments and my students and co-workers have changed and enriched my life.

But this one moment is one I will never forget and one that touched me so deeply that it completely changed my life and re-set the course I was on. It reminded me of God's grace, His beauty, His love.

For the last few months of 2010, my students and I were working on a production of Little Women. My students at this point knew me well enough to know something was going on. I was not doing well. I was so depressed and in such a dark place, and no matter what I did, my students knew me and knew I was not okay. Our show opened in December, right before Christmas, and it went beautifully. My students sang their hearts out and made me so proud. And then we had our cast party - our traditional party that we have after the closing night of every show. We go to a cast member's house and eat and chat and celebrate our show and each other. This particular cast party, I had a friend come with me. I walked him out to his car and spent a few minutes saying goodbye.

When I re-entered the house, all of my students - every single one - were standing in the foyer of the house, waiting for me. Right when I walked in, all of them joined in song. Just for me. No one else was in the room. They were waiting for me. And they sang, in overwhelmingly beautiful harmony, the song of my heart - my favorite Christmas song:

Fall on your knees

Oh hear the angel voices

Oh night divine

Oh night when Christ was born

Oh night divine

Oh night, Oh night divine

And I remembered then when Brandon had asked me what my favorite Christmas song was. He knew. He knew that my heart needed this. My students singing and praising God with their voices just for me. 

As they sang, I melted to the floor. I sat down and wept and looked at my students, giving every ounce of the love in their hearts in the best way they knew how. Through song. My heart was so healed that night.

I had convinced myself - or the enemy had convinced me - that I was unworthy of love. That no one loved me. I was alone. I was worthless.

But looking in these children's eyes, there was no. possible. way for me to deny that they love me. That I am worthwhile. That I am not alone. I am so loved, whether I feel like I deserve it or not. How can you deny the love of children? It is so pure, so innocent, so full. (And yes, teenagers are still children. It is the dichotomy and mystery and beauty of teenagers and what I love the most - they are just as much children as they are adult. It's an amazing thing to witness and be a part of.) 

The love of children is life-changing, life-giving, grace-giving-to-the-point-of-drowning-in-it, pure, whole, beautiful. Just beautiful.

And my life was changed. I have never been so sure of how loved I am than in that moment. And that was the moment I knew everything was going to be okay. That if they love me, God must love me, too. 

December 12, 2010 -- my facebook status from that day

There is nothing in this world that could have healed my aching heart like all my students singing "O Holy Night" just for me. "To learn and never be filled, is wisdom; to teach and never be weary, is love." Thank you for picking my heart up every time the weariness starts to take over.

To teach and never be weary, is love. Yes. But to teach and be weary and never give into weariness, that is even bigger love. And to see past your own weariness and love someone else through theirs? That is the biggest love of all. To be shown that kind of love will change your life forever. My heart is forever grateful to know that kind of love. The love of children looking past their own needs, their own wants, their own troubles. Oh that I can learn to love people like that.

"The soul is healed by being with children."

--Fyodor Dostoyevsky

currently vol. 3

Hello, blog. It's been a while. I didn't stop writing because I was having a hard time this time, which is good news! I don't have a real reason, other than maybe feeling uninspired to sit down and write. I haven't even been keeping up with my reading - I finally sat down and read all your blogs. Every single one. I love the blogs I follow and I don't want to fall behind! So instead of me attempting to find something inspiring to write about, I'm going to start back up with linking up with some of my favorite girls! Anna Kate at Home Away From Home and Jenna and Mary at A Mama Collective.

So I am currently...

Thinking about: 

So right now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life -- do I want to dive head-first into performing? Stay teaching? It's been a crazy few months and I'm trying to discern what God wants from me, although I'm starting to think He's asking me what I want.... and I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm also thinking about the fact that I'm waiting to hear about a show right now. Waiting to know if I've been cast in a show I auditioned for. It's weird. Seriously, just weird. I got out of the whole "theatre world" (the performing side) for the last five years to teach high school kids how to become performers. So now I'm back in the game, going to auditions and picking songs for myself and learning dances and competing with 20 blonde girls who look like me. I ran into two of my high school students at this audition - one of them sang a song I gave her when she was my student. The other was called back literally for the same exact thing as me - she was my competition. What a weird thing. I taught these girls how to do what they are doing, and now they are my competition. What a trip. It's a weird world to re-enter - the world of auditioning and performing. I don't know if it's what I want or not, but I'm in it for now and I'm just going to enjoy it. I found myself going into "teacher mode" at the audition - answering my old student's questions about her clothes and whatnot, and then I remembered - wait - we are up against each other for the same job! Weird. All I can say. Weird. So I'm just waiting for the cast list and I have another callback coming up soon. It's all in God's hands.

Also, my man flew back to Colorado today. I miss him already - but we were blessed to see each other every weekend in March. It was wonderful. Maybe that's why I've been blogging less!

Reading:

Honestly, nothing at the moment. I've picked up so many books recently and have put them down for too long. The only book I have invested in and still pick up is Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross. It has helped me so immensely and resonates with me and where I have been for the last year so deeply. I will have to post about it in depth when I'm done with it - it's very dense so I'm taking it little by little.

Listening to:

This song, non-stop.

The slideshow doesn't mean anything to me - I didn't even watch it, to be honest. But this song. I sing it on repeat in my car on the way to work. It just brings me joy and touches my heart. 

"It's a long and rugged road - and we don't know where it's heading. But we know it's gonna get us where we're going. And when we find what we're looking for, we'll drop these bags and search no more - 'cause it's gonna feel like heaven when we're home. It's gonna feel like heaven when we're home."

Watching:

My sister and I are each working on our computers, sitting on my bed, with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion on my TV. It's a slumber party and it's fabulous.

Thankful for:

God's unending love and mercy. The fact that I am starting to be able to see and experience this grace and mercy for the first time in a very long time. Even if it's just a whisper right now.
My sisters. Especially when one can come over for a slumber party and just sit in bed with me and watch junky TV and just be together.
My boyfriend. The amazing example of love, selflessness and kindness that he sets for me. His pureness of heart. I am so blessed to have someone like him love me so much. It's so humbling.
My job. My high school students who bring me so much joy and who teach me so much every single day.
Musical theatre. Performing, playing, singing, dancing. It doesn't matter. I love it, and I am thankful for it. I am thankful to watch young people fall more in love with musical theatre every day and work so hard to put on amazing shows and become incredible performers.
Being able to have perspective on auditions and callbacks and know that at the end of the day, none of this reflects my self worth or my talent, and none of it will take away my joy. I wasn't ready for this five years ago, and I'm thankful God gave me that time to be a teacher. To learn. To grow.

The list I could go on forever - suffice it to say, I am thankful. So thankful.

My view at work. Page 1 of my piano music -- one of my favorite things in the world, getting ready to start a show. I love it.

currently vol. 1

Finally linking up with Jenna & Mary at A Mama Collective and Anna Kate at Home Away From Home for "Currently" on Mondays. I love it and think it's a great way to be more conversational in my blog - I hope you enjoy knowing what's going on right now! Thanks, girls!

Thinking about: 

The fact that I'm ready to show my face on this blog. The reason I keep my identity private is for my job, but I feel that the only way I can reach out to people and relate to them is to be myself. To be a real person. So here I am. It's nice to meet you.

I'm also thinking about the show that I'm in right now. I know I haven't said anything about it, but I'm in a production where I get to play a 17-year-old girl who is going through high school and just trying to figure out who she is. I also get to dance quite a bit - which is so much fun and also totally terrifying, since I haven't danced in a musical in 7 years. It's been an awesome challenge for me and I'm actually having a blast. I am really eager to see how audiences are going to respond to the show. It's very honest and edgy, and I think it will be controversial - but I think it's an important piece of art that discusses real-life issues that should be talked about. I feel privileged to get to be a part of it.

Reading:

My One Word by Mike Ashcraft & Rachel Olsen. Recommended by Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience. It's about choosing one word for your year and focusing on it. It ties back into my last post - my word for 2014. My word is "liberation" - and I'm hoping this book can provide some wisdom and practical advice on how to incorporate my word into my life and my prayers.

Listening to:

The soundtrack for the musical I'm in. Over and over and over. Because I got cast in the show a week late and had to learn all the music on my own. Not to mention the fact that some of it is just super fun to sing. It's called "bare: a pop opera". It's pretty edgy and has bad language, so I don't recommend it if you're easily offended or have kids around. But it's a powerful story with some fun rock music to listen to.

Watching:

Oh, let's be honest. I'm a TV junkie. But my favorite? Parenthood. Obsessed. I even got my 17-year-old brother to watch it with me last week and he loved it. It's so honest and the characters are so interesting and real. I love it.

Thankful for:

So much. For the fact that my boyfriend's brother just called me just to catch up. This is a beautiful, beautiful thing for me. For my sister who I got to hang out with this morning. For the fact that I got to sleep in today and will get to for one more day tomorrow. For my beautiful students who sang their hearts out in Mass yesterday and touched my soul when they looked in my eyes and sang, "Here I am, in the face of every child." For the cast of my show, who I don't get sick of even with day after day of long, long, long rehearsals. For the chance to learn that I can actually dance. For my amazing boyfriend, who supports me in everything I do. For the fact that my boyfriend has found a new and profound joy in his life's work. It is amazing to see how alive it has made him and it has healed me in so many ways and has brought me so much joy to see the man that I love be so fulfilled. For my therapist, who sees me and understands me in a way that makes me a better person. For the fact that my therapist weeps for me when I need to be wept for. For the fact that he encourages me to be the best version of myself so gently - just the way that I need it. I am thankful that although I have been in the desert for so long - truly, my dark night of the soul - God is coming through for me and my heart is changing.  Thank You, Jesus.

My awesome cast practicing our dance - we do a show within a show - Romeo & Juliet.